I swear to you, it wasn’t until two nights ago that I realized that this baby girl could really get here any day. It resulted in a strange combination of joy and horror – I can’t wait vs. I’m not ready for this. The nice thing is, this is happening, regardless of what I feel ready for. So it’s time to just roll with it and hope this new little addition survives the craziness of our family.
From the time I was young, I just wanted to be a mother. I tried to pursue other “career-like” things, tried to convince myself that that aspiration was the bare minimum of what I could do, but deep down there was nothing I wanted to do more. The high power jobs never impressed me, and neither did the lengthy academic pursuits. And now, sitting here with one daughter and another on the way, I just can’t possibly fathom how insanely lucky I am.
It isn’t very often that you get to live your dream, but here I am doing it. And despite the loss of sleep, the discomfort of the finals weeks (and months) of pregnancy, trying to reason with a tantrum-throwing two-year-old (which doesn’t work, by the way)…I wouldn’t trade it. This is my dream and it seems that, unexpectedly, it’s lived up to my every expectation.
I’m so sorry that I lied to myself for so long and told myself that I could aspire to better than this. There are so many messages from society shouting that being a mother is settling. That you should pursue much loftier goals. But I have found nothing more challenging and rewarding than motherhood. Nothing has blessed me more or taught me more about myself and what I want to become. I am learning and growing every day from this experience and I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
So, here’s to another chapter for our family. Another person to join us that I’m sure will be completely different than the last and who will expose and try weaknesses in myself that I didn’t even know existed. And who, I’m sure, will bring me more joy than I could have ever imagined.
Here’s to a new adventure, whatever it may bring.