The Husband’s Guidebook to PMS

Or pregnancy, for that matter. Because really, pregnancy is just PMS for 9 months. A few weeks before Eric and I were supposed to be married, I called him up in a panic. The conversation went something like this. “Eric?””Yes…””I need you to tell me that you definitely think spousal abuse is NOT ok.””…I totally think spousal abuse is ok.””I’m not joking. Seriously, tell me it’s not ok.””Stef, it’s totally ok! I thought you knew this.”**click**I called back 5 minutes later, bawling. He apologized, seriously confused. He had just had his first lesson in dealing with a PMS-ing woman. 


Rule #1 – Even if it’s ok 95% of the time…teasing is NOT ok now. I won’t get it. I’ll cry. I’ll take you seriously, even if you’re smiling, laughing…even if you say you’re just kidding. I will take you seriously. Do not tease me. Rule #2 – Do not try to have sex with me. I feel bloated, tired, and ugly. My face just broke out. Do not try to have sex with me. I’m not in the mood.Rule #3 – Please try to have sex with me. I feel bloated, tired, and ugly. If you don’t try to have sex with me, I’ll think you just noticed my huge zit and no longer find me attractive. Rule #4 – If you call me crazy, I will seriously throw something at you.‘Nuff said. Rule #5 – Do not try to reason with me. I will not get it.Even if what you’re saying makes complete and total sense, I will not understand if my emotions don’t agree with you. If I’m angry because you just ruined the thing I made out of play dough (yes, that’s right), just let it be. You’ll thank me later.Rule #6 – If I say I look fat, under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you agree with me.This also goes for saying I need to exercise. I can say it, you cannot. This is grounds for me sending you to sleep on the couch. Or the porch. Rule #7 – I will cry over that commercial we just saw for laundry detergent. Don’t try to stop the process. It just makes things worse. I may also cry over radio shows, burnt food, having to do the dishes, forgetting things…ok, everything. This is all justified. Trust me. Rule #8 – Don’t tell me to shave my legs. Embrace the prickliness. I’m bloated, moody, and irritated. I’m not about to try to look good. Rule #9 – Cramps do hurt. Unless you want me to punch you in the crotch, you’ll agree with me. Rule #10 – Have fun!And good luck. By the way, this is my second PMS-related article. Should I be worried?

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