I’m Not Sexy and I Know It

It will probably surprise all of you that I have never been, nor will I ever be, an underwear model. You see, after years of attempting to be sexy, I’ve finally come with terms with the fact that I’m just…not. That isn’t to say I haven’t gotten my fair share of cat calls. I was even told once that I was the most beautiful girl to ever walk out of Johnny Rockets. And I hear that’s a pretty stiff competition. But there’s a huge difference between looking sexy on occasion and being sexy. I’m the Bridget Jones of sexiness. I may get clean up pretty well and get dressed up all nice, but you better believe I’m wearing some really awkward granny panties. - Hey there sexy, come on over here and let me seduce you with my awkwardness.

Case in point – the other day I was going to kiss Eric goodbye. My plan was to give him one of those sexy goodbye kisses (you know) so I leaned in slowly and…made contact with his nose. Seriously? Moment ruined. You’d think after 11 years of kissing experience, I wouldn’t be making the nose mistake anymore. Apparently, it’s still a problem. I’ve completely given up on winking. I do this really dorky super-exaggerated wink, so I can kind of disguise the fact that I have no idea how to wink like a normal person. And let’s not even talk about the times where I am seriously trying to make my “sexy face” for a picture and then I look at the picture. Or even worse, my husband looks at it and says, “…Let’s take another one.” - Oh, that IS your sexy face? FAIL.

I’ve got a healthy ego, never fear. But try as I might, I will never get over that void between me and sexy. It’s just not going to happen. And…that’s the end of that.  

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